I’ve lived in Glasgow for the last 20 years. I’d like a home with a garden, that looks like it’s in the country but is an easy cab ride back from the pub. Maybe in Rouken Glen Park. This is where I’d have my final meal.

It’d be modern. I’ve lived in tenement flats for so long and they take a lot of maintenance, so I’d want something new. My partner loves gardening, so there’d be a wild allotment.

We’d start with a Japanese lunch of light things. Little plates of sushi and lotus root tempura, with fizzy water and Diet Coke. Save the booze for later.

We’d play a good board game, something really silly – my son is very fond of the Game of Life just now – followed by some comedy badminton.

We’d move on to a meal and disco in the evening. There’d be a dance floor and a mirror ball in the basement. A private bar, stocked with European lagers – I’ve taken quite a shine to Leffe recently, although that might just be because they were on special in Asda.

There’s a chip shop called Wee Hurrie in Troon at the bay. They do a monkfish supper with mushy peas – that’d be enough to satisfy me. Unfortunately it’s a 90 minute drive from Glasgow. But they could bring it by helicopter. Yes, there’ll be a helipad in the garden.

In the evening there’d be music. I’ve lots of friends who’d be more than happy to DJ. A northern soul segment, and a 70s disco at the end. The one guaranteed track to make me dance is Just Loving You by Ruby Andrews – that’s the call to arms song – and Frieda Payne’s Band of Gold.

It’d be a completely minimal home, everything hidden, like a Buddhist temple. Unfortunately I’m one of the messiest people you’re ever likely to meet, although I’d hope by this point I’d have managed to overcome these tendencies.

On the walls I’d probably still have lots of kids’ pictures, and the occasional film poster. My favourite is from a 1970s Japanese film entitled Female Prisoner Scorpion 701. I have the original poster framed in pride of place in my office.

It’d be in the garden at a big communal table, or on the grass, picnic style. I don’t care about the airs and graces of things. People do as they please.

Aiden Moffat is a Scottish musician and stars in Where You’re Meant to Be, a film by Paul Fegen, out now; whereyouremeanttobe.com

• This article was amended on 4 July 2016. We had spelled the name of the town Troon wrongly.